just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
