Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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