i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
