Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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