my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
