Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
