Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
