we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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