There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
