Soap is not a condiment
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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