i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
