4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
