pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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