I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you had me at cake vodka
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
