im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
