You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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