Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
