I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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