she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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