I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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