I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
