this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
