Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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