I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
