I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
