Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
3pm strippers are depressing
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
