you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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