shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
