You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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