I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
