when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
