mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
