I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
