Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
