my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
