I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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