Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
