I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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