The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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