You made me cry and you don't even care
im six kinds of drunk right now
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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