He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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