I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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