How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
