Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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