I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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