just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
