my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
