i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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