I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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