Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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