Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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